… enjoys music, books, and travel

Writing an “author bio” isn’t easy.

I mean, it should be easy – we’re authors after all! But it has to be short, pithy, and say something meaningful about you. It has to convince the reader that you’re someone fascinating who they would enjoy having a coffee and a chat with.

That can be hard to do without inventing things. We’re creative, sure, but I don’t think you’re supposed to actually lie in your bio. “Photographs polar bears in the arctic,” for example (which I don’t do), or maybe “first woman in space,” (but I think that one’s taken.)

My author bio is pretty banal, and for a long time has included the phrase “enjoys music, books, and travel.” But lately I’ve asked myself, is even that really true?

Okay, the music part is true. My dad was a “hi-fi” buff who built his first stereo from a Heathkit. (Go ask your grandpa what that was.) Mom was into musical theater, and sang around the house. All. The. Time. And I can remember standing on top of the picnic table in our back yard, arms outstretched, belting out “The hills are alive with the sound of music.” I’ve never lost my love for music.

And books – of course I still enjoy books. I enjoyed them before I ever read “Little Women” in the fourth grade. In the book Jo March was an author, and I’ve wanted to be an author ever since. So “enjoys books” is definitely still true.

It’s the “enjoys travel” part that I’ve been questioning lately. And that’s bad for an author. You’re supposed to visit exciting places where you can get inspired, or refill the well, or experience new activities and people to write about.

Some writers travel to get away from things – all the things – in order to hunker down and finish that first draft, or edit that novel.

Travel by car is usually my first choice, mostly for economic reasons. But it can take a long time to drive anywhere interesting. And did I mention highway construction? Or semi trucks? It seems that whenever I’m driving the car’s AC/heat blows right at my eyes, so my eyeballs shrivel and dry out. Anyone else?

Sometimes there’s snow and ice at my destination and, Georgia-resident that I am, I don’t normally think to bring along an ice scraper or snowbrush. Yes, I’ve tried scraping the windshield with a credit card. It doesn’t work very well.

Driving a rental car can be more interesting. For instance, it can be a good way to test-drive a car you’re thinking of buying. But have you ever parked your car and then you couldn’t remember where you parked, and also couldn’t remember what the car even looked like? Yeah, I guess that was more of a problem before there were buttons on key fobs to make the headlights flash.

Is the problem that I’m old and crotchety? Maybe cars are more standard than they used to be, but have you ever got into your rental car after dark with no clue how to turn the headlights on? Or when it was raining outside and you couldn’t figure out how to turn on the wipers? Or you pulled into the gas station and couldn’t figure out how to pop open the door to fill the gas tank? I’ve had all that happen to me. It could happen to you, too.

Lest you’re thinking air travel is better, let me just say “crowds and noise.” Why does there have to be “muzak” in the airplane during the boarding process? Is silence really that bad? Guess I should stock some extra earplugs in my teeny-tiny carry on. And, okay, I admit I’m bigger than I used to be, but airline seats are awfully small. As least, the ones I can afford. Not to mention the sore elbows I get from the super-hard armrests. If I get a shot at using them.

Traveling inevitably involves using public restrooms. Lines for women’s restrooms are a fact of life. But can we talk about why there’s often – ahem – “water” on the toilet seat and the floor of the stall? On second thought maybe we’d better not talk about it.

How any particular public toilet flushes can be a mystery, including whether it’s going to flush of its own accord while you’re still seated. Some sound louder than the jet engines on the runway.

The soap dispenser can be a mystery too. The brand-X soap they typically stock in public restrooms dries out my hands. Then there’s getting a paper towel from the dispenser. Someone with a sick sense of humor must calibrate those machines. I mean, can you dry your hands on two inches of toweling? And does anyone else think those Tyson hand dryers must be full of germs, with everyone shoving their wet-but-not-really-washed hands down inside them?

I know. First World Problems. Let’s say I arrive at my destination in one piece (and with my luggage, which is a question we’ll save for another day.) Like cars, hotel rooms also shrivel my eyes. I don’t care where the heat-and-air thingy is located, it always ends up blowing at the bed. And it can be loud. That is, if you can hear it over the hum of the mini-fridge in its “sound-proof” enclosure. I’ve been known to unplug the fridge. They’re mostly useless. A Styrofoam to-go box won’t even fit in one!

But let’s get back to my author bio. Mine also usually says something about my coffee consumption. I love coffee, even though I can’t drink as much as I used to. But coffee while traveling can be bad. I mean, really bad. The *worst* coffee I ever had was in the Atlanta airport. It was bad to start with before I made it worse by sprinkling in something from a metal shaker that I though contained cocoa. Well, friends, it was not cocoa! It might have been nutmeg, but more did not make it better. This coffee-addict ended up drinking lots of tea on that particular trip.

Travel can be great fun. It can be eye-opening and educational, and many of my stories have been inspired by places I’ve visited or experiences I’ve had far from home. Maybe I’ll enjoy travel again when they finally invent that “beam me up, Scotty” device that’ll get me where I’m going without all the hassle. And maybe I should update my author bio to say “enjoys travel – sometimes.”

Meanwhile, send me a post card the next time you travel. You know where I’ll be!

enjoys music, books, and travel - sometimes!